What they don’t tell you about parenting
When people with children learn that you’re going to join their ranks soon, the response is almost entirely uniform. A smile, a slight shake of the head, and a variation on “You won’t know what’s hit you”. If you’re lucky they’ll follow it up with a vague aphorism, the kind of thing that people post on Facebook to get cheap likes or “U OK Hun?” responses.
The trouble is the lack of any specifics they offer. How will my life be different? Obviously the lack of sleep is a given — you really do need to experience it to truly understand how exhausting it is — and your leisure time is clearly no longer yours. But beyond that, why don’t people ever offer up some clues as to what will change? I wasn’t naive enough to think my life wasn’t going to alter much, but the lack of practical advice on what will happen to you and how to manage your child is somewhat surprising. So now I’ve had a few years experience, and at the risk of breaking the parental code of omerta, if you’re expecting an arrival soon then here are some things you’ll need to know:
Your newborn will quickly become a local celebrity. People who you have regularly passed on your street or in the park with at most a cursory nod are now overjoyed to see you. Well not you obviously, but as your child can’t talk yet you will have to field their questions. If your child has multiple family members to take it for walks then they become better known than you; while you are pushing them around Sainsburys in a trolley they will be greeted with delight by shoppers who call them by their first name. You have no idea who these people are.
On a related note, of the new people you will get to meet, there is a direct correlation between those who proclaim their love of children the most, and those most likely to terrify your child. Bawling in the face of a toddler: “HELLO! YOU’RE VERY BEAUTIFUL!” is unlikely to endear them to your offspring.
Production values have zero value to small children. You can present them with a range of genuinely funny, sharply scripted, well soundtracked TV shows to enjoy, but why would they look at these when they can watch YouTube and see a grown adult loudly playing with toys, all filmed on a shaky mobile phone? The next generation won’t be supporting the licence fee.
That said, your child will watch just enough TV for the show’s theme tunes to embed themselves into your consciousness. I have spent whole working days at my desk humming the theme from Waffle the Wonder Dog (“you’re such a clever dog, you’re such a clever dog you are”).
Your back and knees will take a pounding from the repeated retrieval of small plastic items which have found their way beneath items of furniture. Their rescue will be of great significance until the moment when you hand them back, and then they will be quickly forgotten.
Your personal ego is of no use to you any more and will be shredded several times a day. It has served its purpose. Let it go.
The moment when you’re sat on the loo is when it is most imperative that your child must talk to you face to face at once. Surely you don’t want them to have to wait to show you a toy car that you see every day and which you bought them in the first place?
Your child is simultaneously a genius and a lunatic. At times they will perform feats of mental agility that, all parental biases aside, you honestly didn’t think they were capable of. They will follow this up by vastly overestimating their abilities and doing something so ridiculous that you’ll feel like you’re raising Michael Gove. (I sincerely hope) This is normal.
Actually, try not to have any expectations. Any predictions you make about how your child will react to any upcoming situation will almost certainly be wrong. It’s fine.
Bing is the most inane character in recorded history. He is of course bafflingly popular, making him the Coldplay of children’s TV. Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. Whining, it’s a Bing thing.
During the buggy / pram years you will realise that drop kerbs are the most underrated invention known to man. You will learn to scan for them as soon as a road junction comes into sight, and when one isn’t available you will start to compose a letter to the council in your head. You will also develop an intense hatred of parked cars that partially obscure your path.
Once your child is walking, expect the time it takes to make even short pedestrian journeys to triple at least. There are far too many fascinating stones / plants / pavement cracks / signs to admire to simply get from A to B. There is certainly educational potential in this, but you are human and the charm will fade.
You no longer have the attention span or energy to commit yourself to binge watching the latest must-see drama. Treat yourself to a single episode of a familiar comedy favourite and go to bed.
On the tiredness thing, caffeine and chocolate are now basic foodstuffs for survival. You will gain weight.
Start to budget for a new sofa. Your existing one is not going to last as long as you’d anticipated.
You’ve probably dismissed The Works as a shop where publishers send their remaindered stock to die. Now you will view it as the ever changing Aladdin’s Cave of inexpensive child entertainment that it truly is. Locate your nearest branch, and consider nominating the founders for a knighthood.
I’m sure there are others, but in my permanently exhausted state I cannot recall them. I can’t remember much of anything these days. If you’re planning on having kids you certainly shouldn’t let this put you off. But you have been warned.